For those of you who did not know, yesterday was my Birthday (May 28th). I don't mind sharing my age of 37, rather I am very blessed to have been able to celebrate this many birthdays. I am so thankful for the years God has given to me. More importantly the children God has allowed to come from my life and body. I feel that being a mother, something I have always desired and dreamed of has been one of my biggest joys and blessings.
My day did not start out as well as I had hoped. Many of you know of my pregnancy. Well I am now 10 full weeks pregnant and yesterday May 27 I started spotting again. My second time in this pregnancy. I may have over exerted myself on Tuesday when I took my children to the Zoo.
I woke up in the middle of the night with signs of bleeding and feeling of rapid heart rate. I knew I really needed to relax and most importantly relinquish my concerns and fears over to the Lord. I did so and began to praise God while trying to rest. Sing songs of praise and joy made my body more at peace and gave comfort to my spirit. Resting in my knowledge of knowing God's plans are supreme. I serve a Sovereign God and all my fears are gone.
I was also troubled by another concern weighing heavily on my heart. I have previously mentioned that my parents are divorced and my mother was planning her remarriage early this month. I was not in support of the remarriage b/c of my convictions concerning what the bible speaks about divorce and remarriage. I have not been in any communication with my mother for the past several months. Our relationship has been distant since I voiced my concerns at the end of last year. I believe in speaking the truth, even when the truth is not being followed or spoken by others. I knew by speaking the truth it would separate us even more than we already were. I just did not realize how emotionally affected I would become.
I did receive Birthday calls from both of my parents. I know that they both care, but my concern was deeper than that. I know that b/c of my convictions and lifestyle, my relationships with my parents has not grown but shrunk. In fact my relationship with my mother, was not really that close even while my parents marriage was intact. My dh says it is b\c of my convictions and that I am a reminder to her of what she knows is right and yet does not follow. Maybe, all I know is that my heart desires a closeness with my mother that God does not seem to allow. I am the only child out of the 4 she had that believes and lives according to the Bible. I have been rejected and continue to be rejected b/c of my faith and convictions. It is so emotionally hurtful and distressing to my heart. I know that God gave me my mother for a reason yet I still do not understand why. I wish she could see what a wonderful young woman I have become. A woman of noble character living by faith in Jesus. If only she could support and be available to show concern especially in moments like now. If only she could be so thankful to have me and my precious children in her life, but sadly she's not. These tender years only last a short while and sadly she is missing out on my little girls lives. Her presence is only there through cards on the holidays and random phone calls through the year.
Honestly, I shared these feelings with the Lord and told him how I felt slighted. Why would be give me to woman who doesn't appreciate me or show real concern of time and energy of value toward me and my children. Have I become such a disappointment to her b/c of my faith that any kind of personal relationship is not possible? Then it was as if God was speaking audible, that I heard him reply, "My dear child, I am your heavenly father and I am doing all of that and more, am I not enough?" I felt so ashamed for feeling selfish yet in that moment I could see how much love God has for me and continues to show me. A joy came over me and then I knew my desires for an affirming parental love were already established with my Father God. The desires for my mother were of the flesh and though they seem important may not be achieved unless there is a heart change. Being affirmed by God my father and his Love, is all that I need.
One thing I am sure of, perfect Love casts out all fear. God's love is not one that is rejecting or shows favoritism. Instead it is a love that is affirming, building up accepting to all even those who seem to not deserve it. God's love is ever reaching, ever encompassing, and everlasting. God's love Never Fails.
1 Corinthians 13
1. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2. And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4. Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5. does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6. does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7. bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
9. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;
10. but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11. When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13. But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 John 4:18-19
18. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
19. We love, because He first loved us.
I want to share that although my Birthday is officially over, I am blessed to say I have received my Birthday Wish. Thank You to God my Heavenly Father, for being and showing me HIS affirming Love.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Phinehas's Story. (Written on May 26 and published on May 29)
Today is my son Phinehas' Birthday. He is 11 years old today. Many of you do not know Phinehas, so I thought I would take a moment to introduce Phinehas to you . First let me share how special he is. I know most mothers will say how special their children are, but he is extremely special. Phinehas has autism. He has never been diagnosed, but if you are ever around him his specialness would be obvious. At the age of 18 -20 months he began regressing in his learning. He was progressing normally up to that point but began to regress shortly after receiving his final round of shots (immunizations). Many would disagree that the immunizations had any role in his change but as his mother I am convinced that they did. He is not your "normal" 11 year old. That is fine with me b/c he is just what God wants him to be very sweet and innocent.
Let me go back a year or so before Phinehas was born. I had been a nanny for a couple for several years. My two little children I cared for had moved away in May of 1997. At the beginning of the year my dh and I had decided to start "trying" to conceive. I was somewhat confused why we still had not been able to conceive. Still trusting in God and hoping he would bless my womb. My dh and I took a trip to England to visit some friends. A much needed vacation and kind of like a post-pone honeymoon. Shortly after our arrival home it was clear to me we were now in our ninth month of infertility. I started to become disappointed and somewhat bitter why God would not bless my womb. My dh Phil reminded me of one of his aunts. His aunt Kathy had also struggled with infertility. She also began to get embittered with God as to why she could not conceive. God revealed to her and she shared this with my husband some years later. God revealed to her that she needed to be thankful and completely trust Him. Holding on her bitterness only made her more stressed and worried about something she could not control. Her only option was to totally put her faith in Jesus. She began to do this and little did she know while God was changing her heart he was also preparing her for motherhood. At that very moment while aunt Kathy's heart began to transform into what God wanted it to be, her first son was being knit in her womb. She was unaware as most 1st time mothers are until a short time later. Her heart was overjoyed at the news but even more so knowing her heart had changed toward the Lord before she knew his plans for her new family. Well aunt Kathy was blessed 4 times all of her children were sons. Her and uncle Dale are now grandparents to 2 precious blessings.
After our vacation began temping as a nanny for a hiring out company. I started working for a family with one child, a new born baby boy. While I would familiarize my self with her son we would talk. We began a friendship that eventually lead to my being hired on permanently. I cared for her son and all the while still desiring my own.
September rolled around and my brother's Birthday was coming up fast. I wanted to make him an afghan but had work quickly. I began his afghan and finished it in 20 days. Pretty amazing since it was a queen size one. I work constantly on it while I cared for little Spencer and at home. It was during one of my shifts while finishing up the afghan that Spencer's mom asked me a question. She had been trying to conceive again since she was already in her forties and wanted to know if I would be upset if she became pregnant before me. She knew of my desire to conceive and that so far it was unsuccessful. I told her that I would not be upset if she conceived before me and honestly believed my answer. Little did I know I would soon find out at the end of that week that I was expecting. That little one was Phinehas.
Phinehas was born 2 days before my birthday. He was due early June. He was my only hospital birth. My longest delivery, and my second smallest baby. We made some fatal errors in sharing what his name was to be and received many comments on how bad of a name it was. None the less it was a strong biblical name and one that God had laid on our hearts.
Phinehas is so special to us and is the reason why we have all of our other children. Our experience with everything involving his birth, made us desire more children. Although now, Phinehas is developmentally delayed and suffering from Autism he remains to be our biggest blessing, and our biggest challenge. He is difficult at times to care for b/c of his lack of understanding. He has increased our patience and need to be unconditional loving and forgiving. In fact God has used Phinehas to challenge us spiritually in so many ways that with out him we would not be the believers we are today.
The name Phinehas is from Numbers 25:7 A righteous act done by Phinehas high priest turned God's heart back to the Israelite people. Caleb was also the name of one of the two good spies. Phinehas means: face of piety and mouth of brass, Caleb means: bold and courageous.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
You may wonder why I am convinced the immunizations played a role in his acquiring autism. Well he was progressing like a child of 18 months would. Then he received his final round of immunizations and a change in development and cognitive interaction became very noticeable. Other people began pointing it out and some even started to reject him. At the time that concerns were coming to our attention, I was in my third trimester with our 3rd son Ezra. It was also at this point that we became concerned for our second son as well who was also progressing and then began to regress after his final round of shots.
After Ezra was a few months old we decided he was not going to receive any shots and to our surprise he has developed normally. We didn't find out till later that if in fact you have one child affected by immunizations you most likely will have others also. That began our decision to postpone all shots until a later age. It seemed to dangerous physically for our children to receive the shots at such a young age. None of our other children have had any signs of having autism. All are very healthy and developing normally.
Phinehas, however different and unique plays such a intricate roll in our family. Although he has problems understanding he interacts with everyone in a very loving way. See Phinehas is a huger. He loves to show his affection. Interestingly though,most autistic children do not like to be touched or hugged. Rarely does Phinehas smile on camera, he is a very happy and pleasant child. All of his siblings enjoy him and especially challenge him to interact.
Phinehas has become such a wonderful blessing to our family. If God choose to heal him today what a blessing that would be. If God allows Phinehas to receive healing another was that would also be a blessing. But if it is God's plan for Phinehas to remain autistic until he takes him home, that would also be a blessing. A blessing b/c Phinehas although being our hardest and most frustrating child, is also our most affectionate child as well. He has blessed us with his love and tenderness and innocence of heart that it has left us as his parents, desiring more.
Thank you dear God for Phinehas Caleb.
Let me go back a year or so before Phinehas was born. I had been a nanny for a couple for several years. My two little children I cared for had moved away in May of 1997. At the beginning of the year my dh and I had decided to start "trying" to conceive. I was somewhat confused why we still had not been able to conceive. Still trusting in God and hoping he would bless my womb. My dh and I took a trip to England to visit some friends. A much needed vacation and kind of like a post-pone honeymoon. Shortly after our arrival home it was clear to me we were now in our ninth month of infertility. I started to become disappointed and somewhat bitter why God would not bless my womb. My dh Phil reminded me of one of his aunts. His aunt Kathy had also struggled with infertility. She also began to get embittered with God as to why she could not conceive. God revealed to her and she shared this with my husband some years later. God revealed to her that she needed to be thankful and completely trust Him. Holding on her bitterness only made her more stressed and worried about something she could not control. Her only option was to totally put her faith in Jesus. She began to do this and little did she know while God was changing her heart he was also preparing her for motherhood. At that very moment while aunt Kathy's heart began to transform into what God wanted it to be, her first son was being knit in her womb. She was unaware as most 1st time mothers are until a short time later. Her heart was overjoyed at the news but even more so knowing her heart had changed toward the Lord before she knew his plans for her new family. Well aunt Kathy was blessed 4 times all of her children were sons. Her and uncle Dale are now grandparents to 2 precious blessings.
After our vacation began temping as a nanny for a hiring out company. I started working for a family with one child, a new born baby boy. While I would familiarize my self with her son we would talk. We began a friendship that eventually lead to my being hired on permanently. I cared for her son and all the while still desiring my own.
September rolled around and my brother's Birthday was coming up fast. I wanted to make him an afghan but had work quickly. I began his afghan and finished it in 20 days. Pretty amazing since it was a queen size one. I work constantly on it while I cared for little Spencer and at home. It was during one of my shifts while finishing up the afghan that Spencer's mom asked me a question. She had been trying to conceive again since she was already in her forties and wanted to know if I would be upset if she became pregnant before me. She knew of my desire to conceive and that so far it was unsuccessful. I told her that I would not be upset if she conceived before me and honestly believed my answer. Little did I know I would soon find out at the end of that week that I was expecting. That little one was Phinehas.
Phinehas was born 2 days before my birthday. He was due early June. He was my only hospital birth. My longest delivery, and my second smallest baby. We made some fatal errors in sharing what his name was to be and received many comments on how bad of a name it was. None the less it was a strong biblical name and one that God had laid on our hearts.
Phinehas is so special to us and is the reason why we have all of our other children. Our experience with everything involving his birth, made us desire more children. Although now, Phinehas is developmentally delayed and suffering from Autism he remains to be our biggest blessing, and our biggest challenge. He is difficult at times to care for b/c of his lack of understanding. He has increased our patience and need to be unconditional loving and forgiving. In fact God has used Phinehas to challenge us spiritually in so many ways that with out him we would not be the believers we are today.
The name Phinehas is from Numbers 25:7 A righteous act done by Phinehas high priest turned God's heart back to the Israelite people. Caleb was also the name of one of the two good spies. Phinehas means: face of piety and mouth of brass, Caleb means: bold and courageous.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
You may wonder why I am convinced the immunizations played a role in his acquiring autism. Well he was progressing like a child of 18 months would. Then he received his final round of immunizations and a change in development and cognitive interaction became very noticeable. Other people began pointing it out and some even started to reject him. At the time that concerns were coming to our attention, I was in my third trimester with our 3rd son Ezra. It was also at this point that we became concerned for our second son as well who was also progressing and then began to regress after his final round of shots.
After Ezra was a few months old we decided he was not going to receive any shots and to our surprise he has developed normally. We didn't find out till later that if in fact you have one child affected by immunizations you most likely will have others also. That began our decision to postpone all shots until a later age. It seemed to dangerous physically for our children to receive the shots at such a young age. None of our other children have had any signs of having autism. All are very healthy and developing normally.
Phinehas, however different and unique plays such a intricate roll in our family. Although he has problems understanding he interacts with everyone in a very loving way. See Phinehas is a huger. He loves to show his affection. Interestingly though,most autistic children do not like to be touched or hugged. Rarely does Phinehas smile on camera, he is a very happy and pleasant child. All of his siblings enjoy him and especially challenge him to interact.
Phinehas has become such a wonderful blessing to our family. If God choose to heal him today what a blessing that would be. If God allows Phinehas to receive healing another was that would also be a blessing. But if it is God's plan for Phinehas to remain autistic until he takes him home, that would also be a blessing. A blessing b/c Phinehas although being our hardest and most frustrating child, is also our most affectionate child as well. He has blessed us with his love and tenderness and innocence of heart that it has left us as his parents, desiring more.
Thank you dear God for Phinehas Caleb.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Apology/ Update & News.
I want to apologize for not posting any thoughts for the month of April. Although my excuse for being busy and distracted are true, I should have at least shared why. In all honestly I have to confess I was slightly down in my spirit. Not exactly sure why I was feeling depressed. I have had a lot of concerns on my heart and mind and surrending my hopes and desires over to the Lord was of upmost importance. Taking the time off to think, pray and focus on Jesus was just what my heart, mind and spirit needed. Again I am sorry for my absence, and if I caused anyone concern or worry. I appreciate all of your prayers and thoughts of concern. They have been helping me and continue to be an encouragement to my heart. Thank you all so much.
Many of you know of my previous miscarriage and desire to be a mother again. Surrending this desire over to the Lord was so important to me. Trusting in Jesus was what I knew my heart, mind and spirit needed. Exactly like the verse in Proverbs 3: 5-6
5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6. In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Keeping my focus on the Lord and not looking around at others and envying what they have. Being appreciative and thankful to God for all of his glorious blessings.
My sister in law welcomed her 3rd baby a son she named Kyris on March 20. My mother sent out her wedding invitations for her upcoming wedding this Saturday, May 9th. My father left to return to Atlanta Georgia (to his wife) and needed assistance to the airport. My dh has been working hard filling in for other drivers who have been on vacation. Easter was enjoyable and relaxing with the visit of a longtime family friend and his daughter. My children happened to feel under the weather on Easter and so through our celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus we also shared in a much need rest. Thankfully everyone felt much better by the middle of the week.
A new month has started and a new season has arrived. Spring is upon us, while Summer is sneaking up quickly. The beautiful weather has been a delight. What an enjoyment of seeing blossoming trees and flowers and of course, the miracale of new life is so refreshing and uplifting. With the new season comes some wonderful news, I am pleased to share our news of expecting our 8 th blessing from God. I am due in December 2009 around Christmas time. Trusting in the Lords plan whatever it may be. I am currently in my 7th week about to start week 8 tomorrow. About a week and a half ago I was experiencing some spotting for 24 hrs. PTL the spotting has ended and everything seems to be going normally. With rest and focus on God I feel at peace and comforted in knowing, "God's plans are Supreme".
Looking forward to a pleasant summer, celebrating Phinehas' 11th Birthday on May 26th and my Birthday 2 days later. Leaning on God's everlasting arms and fully believing in the age old song,
Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take him at his word; Just to rest upon His promise; Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord".
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er! Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!(Chorus)
Oh how sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to trust His cleansing blood; Just in simiple faith to plunge me, Neath the healing cleansing flood!
(Chorus)
Yes, 'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease, Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest and joy and peace.
(Chorus)
I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Saviour friend; And I know that thou art with me, Wilt be with me to the end.
(Chorus)
I hope this gives you encouragement to Trust in Jesus today!
Many of you know of my previous miscarriage and desire to be a mother again. Surrending this desire over to the Lord was so important to me. Trusting in Jesus was what I knew my heart, mind and spirit needed. Exactly like the verse in Proverbs 3: 5-6
5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6. In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Keeping my focus on the Lord and not looking around at others and envying what they have. Being appreciative and thankful to God for all of his glorious blessings.
My sister in law welcomed her 3rd baby a son she named Kyris on March 20. My mother sent out her wedding invitations for her upcoming wedding this Saturday, May 9th. My father left to return to Atlanta Georgia (to his wife) and needed assistance to the airport. My dh has been working hard filling in for other drivers who have been on vacation. Easter was enjoyable and relaxing with the visit of a longtime family friend and his daughter. My children happened to feel under the weather on Easter and so through our celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus we also shared in a much need rest. Thankfully everyone felt much better by the middle of the week.
A new month has started and a new season has arrived. Spring is upon us, while Summer is sneaking up quickly. The beautiful weather has been a delight. What an enjoyment of seeing blossoming trees and flowers and of course, the miracale of new life is so refreshing and uplifting. With the new season comes some wonderful news, I am pleased to share our news of expecting our 8 th blessing from God. I am due in December 2009 around Christmas time. Trusting in the Lords plan whatever it may be. I am currently in my 7th week about to start week 8 tomorrow. About a week and a half ago I was experiencing some spotting for 24 hrs. PTL the spotting has ended and everything seems to be going normally. With rest and focus on God I feel at peace and comforted in knowing, "God's plans are Supreme".
Looking forward to a pleasant summer, celebrating Phinehas' 11th Birthday on May 26th and my Birthday 2 days later. Leaning on God's everlasting arms and fully believing in the age old song,
Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take him at his word; Just to rest upon His promise; Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord".
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er! Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!(Chorus)
Oh how sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to trust His cleansing blood; Just in simiple faith to plunge me, Neath the healing cleansing flood!
(Chorus)
Yes, 'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease, Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest and joy and peace.
(Chorus)
I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Saviour friend; And I know that thou art with me, Wilt be with me to the end.
(Chorus)
I hope this gives you encouragement to Trust in Jesus today!
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