Heavy Heart.

Have you ever had a burden on your heart that seemed so difficult to let go of? Here are a few thoughts that I have concerning my burden, which I have labeled as my "Heavy Heart".
This has not been any easy post for me to write.

A year ago my parents became legally divorced. (I say this from my perspective of what I believe the Bible says to be true, in Mathew 19:6 "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.") My parents were married for 38 yrs. My mom was the one who pursued the divorce. It has been very tough for my dad to handle. A complete life change and at his age, one that he was not willing or wanting to expect. My mom on the other hand has adapted quite well. She is living a life that she is very pleased with. A life without spousal restrictions, where she is in complete control of what she does. Only herself, my sister and some friends to keep her accountable. Although the changes in her life seem to make her appear happier and quite possibly she is, but we learn through Paul's writings that we should be content "No matter" our circumstances. This thought came from a man who spent many nights in a jail cell and probably praising God all the while.

Although I have to admit it is not easy being in situations that challenge your very nature. It is through those challenges though, that we are able to see the merciful hand of God who seems to walk (or even carry at times) us through. I believe God allows those challenges for us to see how amazing and magnificent he is and can be if we only rely on HIM...

Many of us have either heard or know of families that have been divided due to a divorce. It is true about how children bear the weight and burden of the split. Emotionally children have attachment issues and such. Very rarely do we hear about the spiritual concerns. The most common concern is the higher rate of divorce among children of divorced couples. Although the rate of divorce is already high in the church as much so as it is outside the church. Why is that you might say? Primarily due to the lack of living out the word in their daily lives. The hardest thing to understand about divorce is that the two people who love us for some reason can't seem to love each other. The other sad thing about divorce is what it teaches children. Forgiveness isn't important in relationships, just allow bitterness to have it's way and if life gets to hard just give up and forget to have faith in God. With attitudes like that it is easy for children to question how powerful is God anyway. If we can trust Him to heal our broken marriages or anything else for that matter, than how can we trust him to keep his word and return for us someday.

I am like no other child who's parents have been divorced. Even after a year it is still not easy to get use to. I feel stuck at times. Stuck like in between a rock and a hard place. I am close to my
dad b/c he lives a half hour away. With my mom who lives in Texas a relationship is somewhat harder to sustain. Although that is exactly what I struggle with. My desire is to have a close mother/daughter relationship. More to the point though is my desire for her to approve of me and my life.

So while my mom was in town she was going to make an effort to visit with us too. We both did in fact make efforts to visit and spend time together. Not trying to be selfish or pushy I just thankfully accepted whatever time she was willing to give, although my children were so delighted to spend time with her. (Something she wasn't aware of that, and also that they ask to pray for her regularly.)

My heart became even more saddened when I started to realize the major differences in our life styles and choices. I love my mom dearly and desire a close mother- daughter relationship. Knowing all the while that unless things change that desire will go unfulfilled.

It was on her last day she calls to let me know of her leaving and we kind words for the first 10 minutes. Then I allowed my flesh to seize the moment and I begin to say things that I felt were true, but consequently were hurtful and unkind. It was towards the end of our conversation that I noticed what our major issue/road block is in not having a close relationship. We both struggle with the attitude that our convictions are true and yet we look at each other and see a life not worthy of Christ or not fulfilling our own preconceived ideas. Knowing my approval was not towards her decision, she still looked for it. Funny thing, that while she was here I was looking for her approval on my life and my convictions.

Which leads me to some questions. How can two people believe to be living lives based on convictions from God, yet their lives are so opposite. Which one is right? Is it even acceptable to judge the others convictions as being from God? What is our guide in doing so? How do we love a person who seems to have no respect for how we are living, especially when we consider to be living a righteous life? How do we even continue to try to have a friendship or even a relationship with someone who's view on life is opposite of our own? When we feel our foundations are directly opposing one another's?

I will go ahead and try to answer some of my own rhetoric questions. The answer is the only way we can be sure we are a believer is by reading and living the Bible. I would say the one who is putting to practice what they are reading out of the Bible. Yes it is acceptable. In fact we are assured that we will find or be able to notice other believers by their love, fruits and actions.
The Bible should always be our guide. We are to do the same thing Jesus did while he was being crucified on the cross. Have plenty of forgiveness, even as the soldiers were mocking him Jesus continued to show love and forgiveness.

Lately I have been singing a new/old song to my sons. It is old b/c I use to sing it, but knew to them b/c they are just now learning it. It is : The wise man and the foolish man. One builds his house on the firm foundation. The other builds his house on the sand. If you are not building on firm foundation than your house will crash on it's sinking sand foundation.

Luke 46-49
46. "But why do you call Me `Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say? 47. "Whoever comes to Me, and hears My sayings and does them, I will show you whom he is like:
48. "He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently against that house, and could not shake it, for it was founded on the rock.
49. "But he who heard and did nothing is like a man who built a house on the earth without a foundation, against which the stream beat vehemently; and immediately it fell. And the ruin of that house was great.''

I was reading to my children the other day and was refreshed and reminded what Jesus said of "Who his family, mother and brothers really are". Luke 8: 20-21

20. And it was told Him by some, who said, "Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, desiring to see You.''
21. But He answered and said to them, "My mother and My brothers are these who hear the word of God and do it.''

If you would like to be praying for our relationship to be where God wants it to be. Believing that God knows everything and exactly what we need. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you Lord God for meeting my needs.