Phinehas's Story. (Written on May 26 and published on May 29)

Today is my son Phinehas' Birthday. He is 11 years old today. Many of you do not know Phinehas, so I thought I would take a moment to introduce Phinehas to you . First let me share how special he is. I know most mothers will say how special their children are, but he is extremely special. Phinehas has autism. He has never been diagnosed, but if you are ever around him his specialness would be obvious. At the age of 18 -20 months he began regressing in his learning. He was progressing normally up to that point but began to regress shortly after receiving his final round of shots (immunizations). Many would disagree that the immunizations had any role in his change but as his mother I am convinced that they did. He is not your "normal" 11 year old. That is fine with me b/c he is just what God wants him to be very sweet and innocent.

Let me go back a year or so before Phinehas was born. I had been a nanny for a couple for several years. My two little children I cared for had moved away in May of 1997. At the beginning of the year my dh and I had decided to start "trying" to conceive. I was somewhat confused why we still had not been able to conceive. Still trusting in God and hoping he would bless my womb. My dh and I took a trip to England to visit some friends. A much needed vacation and kind of like a post-pone honeymoon. Shortly after our arrival home it was clear to me we were now in our ninth month of infertility. I started to become disappointed and somewhat bitter why God would not bless my womb. My dh Phil reminded me of one of his aunts. His aunt Kathy had also struggled with infertility. She also began to get embittered with God as to why she could not conceive. God revealed to her and she shared this with my husband some years later. God revealed to her that she needed to be thankful and completely trust Him. Holding on her bitterness only made her more stressed and worried about something she could not control. Her only option was to totally put her faith in Jesus. She began to do this and little did she know while God was changing her heart he was also preparing her for motherhood. At that very moment while aunt Kathy's heart began to transform into what God wanted it to be, her first son was being knit in her womb. She was unaware as most 1st time mothers are until a short time later. Her heart was overjoyed at the news but even more so knowing her heart had changed toward the Lord before she knew his plans for her new family. Well aunt Kathy was blessed 4 times all of her children were sons. Her and uncle Dale are now grandparents to 2 precious blessings.

After our vacation began temping as a nanny for a hiring out company. I started working for a family with one child, a new born baby boy. While I would familiarize my self with her son we would talk. We began a friendship that eventually lead to my being hired on permanently. I cared for her son and all the while still desiring my own.

September rolled around and my brother's Birthday was coming up fast. I wanted to make him an afghan but had work quickly. I began his afghan and finished it in 20 days. Pretty amazing since it was a queen size one. I work constantly on it while I cared for little Spencer and at home. It was during one of my shifts while finishing up the afghan that Spencer's mom asked me a question. She had been trying to conceive again since she was already in her forties and wanted to know if I would be upset if she became pregnant before me. She knew of my desire to conceive and that so far it was unsuccessful. I told her that I would not be upset if she conceived before me and honestly believed my answer. Little did I know I would soon find out at the end of that week that I was expecting. That little one was Phinehas.

Phinehas was born 2 days before my birthday. He was due early June. He was my only hospital birth. My longest delivery, and my second smallest baby. We made some fatal errors in sharing what his name was to be and received many comments on how bad of a name it was. None the less it was a strong biblical name and one that God had laid on our hearts.

Phinehas is so special to us and is the reason why we have all of our other children. Our experience with everything involving his birth, made us desire more children. Although now, Phinehas is developmentally delayed and suffering from Autism he remains to be our biggest blessing, and our biggest challenge. He is difficult at times to care for b/c of his lack of understanding. He has increased our patience and need to be unconditional loving and forgiving. In fact God has used Phinehas to challenge us spiritually in so many ways that with out him we would not be the believers we are today.

The name Phinehas is from Numbers 25:7 A righteous act done by Phinehas high priest turned God's heart back to the Israelite people. Caleb was also the name of one of the two good spies. Phinehas means: face of piety and mouth of brass, Caleb means: bold and courageous.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

You may wonder why I am convinced the immunizations played a role in his acquiring autism. Well he was progressing like a child of 18 months would. Then he received his final round of immunizations and a change in development and cognitive interaction became very noticeable. Other people began pointing it out and some even started to reject him. At the time that concerns were coming to our attention, I was in my third trimester with our 3rd son Ezra. It was also at this point that we became concerned for our second son as well who was also progressing and then began to regress after his final round of shots.

After Ezra was a few months old we decided he was not going to receive any shots and to our surprise he has developed normally. We didn't find out till later that if in fact you have one child affected by immunizations you most likely will have others also. That began our decision to postpone all shots until a later age. It seemed to dangerous physically for our children to receive the shots at such a young age. None of our other children have had any signs of having autism. All are very healthy and developing normally.

Phinehas, however different and unique plays such a intricate roll in our family. Although he has problems understanding he interacts with everyone in a very loving way. See Phinehas is a huger. He loves to show his affection. Interestingly though,most autistic children do not like to be touched or hugged. Rarely does Phinehas smile on camera, he is a very happy and pleasant child. All of his siblings enjoy him and especially challenge him to interact.

Phinehas has become such a wonderful blessing to our family. If God choose to heal him today what a blessing that would be. If God allows Phinehas to receive healing another was that would also be a blessing. But if it is God's plan for Phinehas to remain autistic until he takes him home, that would also be a blessing. A blessing b/c Phinehas although being our hardest and most frustrating child, is also our most affectionate child as well. He has blessed us with his love and tenderness and innocence of heart that it has left us as his parents, desiring more.

Thank you dear God for Phinehas Caleb.

Sacrifical Love.

As wives and mothers we usually put ourselves last. Everyone's needs are met and fulfilled before we even begin to care for ourselves. I am like that and probably most of my friends who are moms and wives would agree.

Why are we like that? Is is b/c we don't think about our needs, No. Is it b/c our families are so demanding we just have to get them off our backs by caring for them first, maybe. But could it be that we are just sacrificing our own needs briefly b/c we care so deeply and so much for our families. YES.

I dearly love everyone of my children completely and totally equally. I could not tell you which child is my favorite. I could not tell you which one I would miss more if they were not in my life. I could not tell you who loves me more b/c they all show me their love in there own individual way.

I also whole heartedly love my dh so much that I do not think I could withstand any trial or struggle with out him by my side. I have grown to love him so much more today than yesterday. Our relationship has really matured in the past 6-7 yrs than any other time. I know and believe it is all b/c of God.

It is b/c of God's love for us that we can even understand what true love is. Or even how to love the ones he has given us. Jesus in our example to be the best wives, mothers, helpmets and caregivers. He has shown us through his ministry how to teach those we care about. How to show how much we care, by putting others first. He has shown us how much we can recieve by giving of our selves, our time, and our hearts.

I know that God has a purpose for all of our lives. We quiet possibly do not know what that is. That is perfectly planned that way. God wants us to be surprised by how he plans to care, teach, love us through his word and actions of love toward us. (Also through faith and trust in HIM).

Sometimes it is hard to see or understand this. I even had a struggle with that myself. Especially when we feel he has treated us unjustly. I know that it is our human nature to look at the bad and feel sorry for ourselves. I know that sometimes a pity party seems enjoyable. Not so to God. It does not matter what we think we should have. He knows us better than we know ourselves, he knows what is best and sees what path is best for us even when we can not.

I struggle not just with grief b/c of the miscarriage, but with other feelings of sadness, enviousness and jealousy. I see others who either have little babies or are pregnant and just sink b/c in my mind I want that back. I hear over the grocery store intercom the advertisement of items and how beneficial they are to a pregnant mother and helping her have a great pregnancy. I just wonder if those advertisers realize that not all mothers are in control of what happens while they are pregnant. I know it is the hardest thought a mother has after a miscarriage, "what did I do wrong to cause this"? Why do we always suspect we are at fault? Could it just be that God knows what we need and granted that for us without consulting us. Does God even have to get our approval when he decides to work out his will in our lives?

My biggest thing is that I want what I can not have. I want my baby, I want to feel my baby growing and kicking in side my belly. I want..I want... I want...

God says, "No or Not Now". "I have other plans for you my child", replies God. He knows the pain is great, but no matter what we feel we have lost, HE has lost more. He knows our sorrow and especially what it feels like to give up a child or a son. He has given more. Why b/c he truly loves us. He sacrifices for us b/c that is what true love does, it is sacrificial.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus is the picture of true love. God is the best example of a sacrificing parent. Beautiful!