Changes can be good and challenging.

I thought I would change this a little and add a blue hue to my blog. I hope you like it. I would love to know what you think of my changes.

I love changes. Well most often, except for the ones that are really challenging.
(I thought I would share a little about me to support the idea of change being fun / good and challenging.)

I remember as a girl I had to get use to changes. My father was in the Air Force and we would travel every 2-4 yrs to different bases. It depended on the area and if there was an available working position for him. In my childhood life, I have moved 4 times, 2 of those were cross country.

Here is a little Crystal history. I was born in Colorado Springs, Colorado at the Air Force Academy. My brother followed 16 months later. After a couple of yrs there we moved to Fairbanks Alaska. I was probably a kindergartner and there began public school. My parents exposed us to Christianity in a Baptist Church aptly named, "Moose Creek Baptist". ( I have just recently reconnected to the couple that shared the gospel w/ my parents. More to come in another post.)

From there we traveled cross country in a trailer and a suburban to New York. Actually it was middle state near Syracuse. We eventually bought a country house on one acre. I loved this home and most the memories related. I learned so much from my experiences on what I call country life. (I will have to share later about the 3 cows that stayed in the pasture next to our property.) We had a garden their and had wild deer, rabbits, snakes, frogs and snapping turtles on occasion. This was the only time when we lived near our maternal grandparents. (Well 4 hours is closer than 3,000 + miles. )

From there we moved back to Alaska. Anchorage instead of Fairbanks. We knew no one, with the exception of some old friends in Fairbanks. We were much older as children go and were now living on a much bigger base and in a more kid friendly neighborhood. We walked to school again and where as in NY we took the bus. (That proved more trial some for me since I can recall missing the bus a few times.) We had more moose interactions. My younger brother was actually chased by a moose on the way home from school. We only lived on base for almost 2 years or little less. Then we moved 20 minutes away to a little town called Eagle River. I was now 10 going on 11 and in the 5th grade.

What I hated most about moving was getting use to new teachers and meeting new students. What I loved about moving was making new friends. Not the same thing. I excelled at meeting people just not so good at having them like me. I was teased a lot as you can tell w/the red hair and all. I guess the freckles didn't help either.

The hardest part about moving was finding a new church. We would attend a church for a while and then a problem or situation would arise and then we would attend somewhere else. I really enjoyed church and that is where I excelled at meeting new friends. The kids at church seemed much more like able and friendlier than the kids at school. Maybe that was the Jesus in them? I really enjoyed the church that we went to after we moved to Eagle River. Actually we may have already been attending. I felt like most of the people were like family. I was even married at that church. I made my mom really mad at me when I came home from my first yr at college. Before I went to college my family began attending another church my senior yr of HS. I didn't really like the preacher or feel like the church was family. It was more of convenience since the church was locally and our other church was in Anchorage. I came home that summer and visited a friend the first Sunday home. Of course my friend was going to my old church in Anchorage and I went along to re-join the congregation I missed so much. While I was away my mom and dad changed churches and my mom was hoping I would give her new church a try. I guess I had my mind made up even before I came home from college.

I guess if we have a choice in what we would like we jump at the chance b/c we know the familiarity. However we do not always get this opportunity when it comes to God. God seems to enjoy or prefer putting us in situations we seem unfamiliar with. Probably b/c he knows we will have to rely on him for guidance and not ourselves or our past experience.

I know that be vulnerable can make us uncomfortable even scared and depressed. Not knowing what to expect can be very terrifying. God knows this and instead of reacting by our fears and worries God says "Trust in Me". I know it can be difficult to trust in what we can not see, but if we can we will be Blessed beyond our imagination.

That is where I am at now since my miscarriage. I am trying to "TRUST in HIM". I am no longer so saddened that I cry my self to sleep. I can't even really work up the tears. I don't think it is b/c my emotions are hardened, but b/c my heart and spirit are at Peace. I know I have to accept what God chooses to do with my life. I am O.K. with God deciding for me what HE feels is Best. I say this not with out greif but with totally and complete FAITH in HIM. God is my ROCK and my SHIELD, I will hold fast to HIM and seek his protection. I am confident that God loves me and has a plan and purpose for me and my life and family. I just am not privilege to what and how he will go about working it out.

One thing I know or one verse I am comforted with is Mathew 6: 25- 34

25. "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
26. "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
27. "Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28. "So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;
29. "and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30. "Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31. "Therefore do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?'
32. "For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33. "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
34. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Verses 32 and 33 are the most significant to me. I find comfort in knowing God knows what I need. If I seek his kingdom and His righteousness then all these things will be added. What things? The things I need or the things he wants for me and knows that I need them even when I am unaware of them. I believe we can Trust in the one who has created us. He has known us before birth and has all of our hairs counted. If he has gone to all the work to know those details what else does he know and why shouldn't I Trust Him.

Sacrifical Love.

As wives and mothers we usually put ourselves last. Everyone's needs are met and fulfilled before we even begin to care for ourselves. I am like that and probably most of my friends who are moms and wives would agree.

Why are we like that? Is is b/c we don't think about our needs, No. Is it b/c our families are so demanding we just have to get them off our backs by caring for them first, maybe. But could it be that we are just sacrificing our own needs briefly b/c we care so deeply and so much for our families. YES.

I dearly love everyone of my children completely and totally equally. I could not tell you which child is my favorite. I could not tell you which one I would miss more if they were not in my life. I could not tell you who loves me more b/c they all show me their love in there own individual way.

I also whole heartedly love my dh so much that I do not think I could withstand any trial or struggle with out him by my side. I have grown to love him so much more today than yesterday. Our relationship has really matured in the past 6-7 yrs than any other time. I know and believe it is all b/c of God.

It is b/c of God's love for us that we can even understand what true love is. Or even how to love the ones he has given us. Jesus in our example to be the best wives, mothers, helpmets and caregivers. He has shown us through his ministry how to teach those we care about. How to show how much we care, by putting others first. He has shown us how much we can recieve by giving of our selves, our time, and our hearts.

I know that God has a purpose for all of our lives. We quiet possibly do not know what that is. That is perfectly planned that way. God wants us to be surprised by how he plans to care, teach, love us through his word and actions of love toward us. (Also through faith and trust in HIM).

Sometimes it is hard to see or understand this. I even had a struggle with that myself. Especially when we feel he has treated us unjustly. I know that it is our human nature to look at the bad and feel sorry for ourselves. I know that sometimes a pity party seems enjoyable. Not so to God. It does not matter what we think we should have. He knows us better than we know ourselves, he knows what is best and sees what path is best for us even when we can not.

I struggle not just with grief b/c of the miscarriage, but with other feelings of sadness, enviousness and jealousy. I see others who either have little babies or are pregnant and just sink b/c in my mind I want that back. I hear over the grocery store intercom the advertisement of items and how beneficial they are to a pregnant mother and helping her have a great pregnancy. I just wonder if those advertisers realize that not all mothers are in control of what happens while they are pregnant. I know it is the hardest thought a mother has after a miscarriage, "what did I do wrong to cause this"? Why do we always suspect we are at fault? Could it just be that God knows what we need and granted that for us without consulting us. Does God even have to get our approval when he decides to work out his will in our lives?

My biggest thing is that I want what I can not have. I want my baby, I want to feel my baby growing and kicking in side my belly. I want..I want... I want...

God says, "No or Not Now". "I have other plans for you my child", replies God. He knows the pain is great, but no matter what we feel we have lost, HE has lost more. He knows our sorrow and especially what it feels like to give up a child or a son. He has given more. Why b/c he truly loves us. He sacrifices for us b/c that is what true love does, it is sacrificial.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus is the picture of true love. God is the best example of a sacrificing parent. Beautiful!